A recent article on the Today page of msnbc.msn.com sure caught my attention. With my darling bride unemployed and consulting in a major swoon globally, I’ve always got my eyes open for a new opportunity. And since I’m no longer interested in boring, nine-to-five gigs, I found the article positively riveting.

It’s about the best jobs in the world. (None of them involve riveting.) Here’s the list:

• Paradise island caretaker
• Inventor of fried foods
• Water-slide tester
• Chocolate taster
• Cyclist in Paris
• Beer taster
• Bed tester (including luxury beds)
• Medical marijuana reviewer
• Internet-savvy globe traveler
• TV corpse

The beer tasters actually have to swallow! That’s unlike wine tasters and the coffee testers; they have to spit theirs out. That’s why you don’t see those jobs on this list! The cyclist job is a Google venture; he gets to pull around a trailer with a video camera mounted on a tall post, taking pictures for the Google Maps website (among others). The fried-food inventor just won the Best New Fried Food award at the Texas State Fair, for his Deep-Fried Butter concoction. (I reported on that back in September).

I wonder, do you think I could maybe get a combo job from this list? Like fried-food inventor combined with beer taster? And then moonlighting as a bed tester? Or maybe beer taster AND TV corpse? (If I’ve had enough to drink, I can easily simulate a cadaver.) How ’bout paradise island caretaker where you get to statistically test the water park’s slides?

Life can be tough at times; but not for the lucky slimeballs folks who have these jobs…

Enjoy the (Wacky Jobs) Heat!

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Technorati : Follies, beer, best jobs

The Occasionally Annual White House Soupfest, Domino Marathon and Bragging Contest made its biggest showing in decades on Saturday. We had folks from far and wide stop by, set a spell and eat. Man, did we eat! Then, when we couldn’t force any more calories down the pipe we broke out the dominoes and worked off all the extra energy (and not a few frustrations) beating up on each other in parallel and continuing sets of Mexican Train. Said games barely slowed down for refills later in the evening.

In short, it was wonderful.

This was the first time we’d had all the extended family together in years. We couldn’t decide if the last time was Mom’s 75th birthday celebration, or even further back. Maybe more than a decade back! All the kids, all the spouses, and all the granddaughters and great-granddaughters (all 13 of them), and the cousin we raised as a brother (and his family). Only Uncle Don was too ill to travel, and at nearly ninety he can be excused that. There were friends and clan-in-laws too, and even a token fiancée or two. All in all, thirty-five showed up for the meal at noon.

Believe me, this horde, whether you call it a clan, sept or overrunning swarm, can pack away the groceries! There was Pozole, chili, Chicken Cheese Chowder and Sopa Xochitl, none of them present in less than two-gallon pots. The chili did double duty, as you could have some over fresh, homemade tamales, or you could enjoy yours straight up. The sidebar buffet of sides, nearly ten feet of them, included salads and bread, veggies, Frog Eye Salad and assorted pickles and garnishes. And of course, there were pies, cookies and banana bread for dessert. We restrained ourselves during the main courses, naturally. (If you believe that, we need to talk about some nice real estate.) We wanted to leave room for dessert; who wouldn’t? I made the mistake of eating thirds on the soups, so I could only squeeze in a piece of pumpkin pie, some of the banana bread and a bit more Frog Eyes, so I missed out on the gooseberry pie. It wouldn’t have mattered much anyways, I was in the middle of the line behind Chip’s kids, and there wasn’t any real hope the gooseberry would survive long enough for me to get a slice. (I did get in a good lick or six on the pie plate, though. Yum, Gooseberry!) And yes, I did restrain myself; I left the Cool Whip off of my cookies.

The afternoon was pleasant and mostly sunny, so we grabbed the opportunity to take family pictures out in the yard. You never know when the whole clan will meet in full feasting session again! I’d share a couple with you, but apparently they’re a secret; my photographer spouse didn’t deign to share with me. (I’m not bitter or anything, really. No, really. I hardly think about it at all anymore.)

As the night deepened the Fest began to break up, slowly, as various family groupings made their excuses goodbyes and took off to the far corners of Texas. (You didn’t think they’d leave God’s Country, did you?) Everybody agreed that a good time was had by all, and that yours truly, the Chile Doctor, was the best damned domino player they’d ever seen. (Well, I agreed with that last part, anyways.) We took solemn vows to never do this again for a week or two, and that we’ll all see each other again in a year. It’s a difficult pledge, offering to sacrifice our time and health to eat like starving pigs in an overstocked feedlot and socialize, but we we made the promises. If the stars all align properly again, we’ll be back at the White House next year for another round…

Enjoy the (Soup and Sides) Heat!

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Technorati : celebration, family, life, soups

Sometimes you just don’t want a whole meal. You’re not that hungry, or you’re about to go to bed or something. You want to eat a bit, though, maybe what used to be called supper, and you want something that’s flavorful and tasty. Not fattening would be nice too, this time of year.

Have I got a deal for you! (No, no, no, not THAT deal. Will you quit harping on that little misunderstanding? So the land in question was momentarily flooded; we got back to shore okay. No need to be small-minded about it; let’s just let bygones be bygones.)

How about some sausage, like some dried venison link or a nice summer sausage. With some white cheese. (Low-fat is okay if you’re watching that sort of thing.) A glass of red wine, like a Merlot, would be good too. And to go with it all, the world’s best flavored saltines! If that sounds good to you, then all you need to do is prepare the crackers. And it’s so easy you’ll be amazed. (Shoot, it almost amazed me, and I’ve been two three hog-callings and two county fairs.)

Here’s how you make the crackers. Get a box of regular saltines; not the unsalted type, and not any of those funky whole-wheat flavored ones. Just everyday saltines, that come in the rectangular box, four sleeves to a box. Next, collect the following ingredients: Canola oil; red pepper flakes; 1 package of Ranch dressing powder; garlic powder (or finely granulated, dried garlic); and some Mrs. Dash Extra Spicy Seasoning Blend. First, make up the seasoning payload: 3/4 cup oil, the Ranch powder, 2 tablespoons of red pepper flakes, 1-3 teaspoons of garlic powder (to your taste; consider this item optional) and 1/2-1 tablespoon of the Mrs. Dash. Don’t worry about making it a consistent slurry yet.

Lay out a sleeve of crackers on a large cookie sheet. You don’t need to cover the sheet with anything, and you won’t be cooking the crackers. Make sure the crackers are all touching, edge-to-edge. Now whisk the oil and spice mix until it’s an even consistency, then drizzle the oil over the crackers. You want to use about 1/4 of the oil mix, or about a scant 1/4 cup. Don’t worry about covering everything evenly! It’s not that exacting a method, and as you’ll see, it’s not necessary.

Now, take the saltines up carefully and place them in a large, plastic bin with a sealable top. Something like a Tupperware box. Rectangular will work best, of course. Repeat the coating process for the remaining three sleeves of saltines. When you have all the crackers in the box, drizzle in the remaining oil and spices (if there’s any left). Seal the box and let it stand on your kitchen counter.

Here’s the magic part: For the first day, every time you see the box (or about once per hour or so), gently turn the box over, or onto a side. By turning the bin you let the oil and spices coat the saltines more evenly. Don’t worry if you forget for a time or two, just turn it when you think of it. Then let them stand aside for a few days. Your spicy crackers are ready! They’ll keep 2-3 weeks on the counter, although I bet they hang around that long only if you’re hospitalized in the interim, or something equally dire.

Take one of the saltines, put on a piece of cheese or sausage (or both, if you’re the bold sort) and much down! These little mouth-watering bites make a great light meal, and are outstanding as party canapés. (I’d say hors d’ourves, but I don’t know how to spell that.) You can experiment to your heart’s delight about what to eat these snack crackers with. You like deli ham? Got some! Lacy Swiss or earthy Manchego cheese? Delightful. Salami? Wonderful. Tuna paté or fois gras? Knock yourself out. I personally draw the line at Limburger cheese, But I know some of you don’t have my restraint.

If you’re hosting a Superbowl party (coming soon!), make a couple pounds of these crunchy tongue-tinglers a week in advance. I find that dill pickle slices are great on there too. Use some squeeze cheese to make the snacks look great, and you’ll be the talk of the town in 2010. (Yeah, even more than Paris Hilton. Woohoo!) Just don’t blame me when the marriage proposals come rolling in…

Enjoy the (Crunchy Zesty Cracker) Heat!

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Technorati : Ranch dressing powder, cheese, crackers, red pepper flakes, saltines, sausage, supper

Yes, folks, you’ve made it to a New Year. A new decade, in fact! The Teens. And here you thought you’d never get that experience again. Being a Teenager, I mean. Well, don’t worry; just lie down and the feeling will pass with limited ill effects, I’m sure.

Isn’t it odd how we humans celebrate something that the rest of the universe pays no attention to? The sun still rises and sets, the planets move in their appointed rounds, and the Internal Revenue Service still wants all your money. Yet somehow we find it important to close out the previous year and hope for a new and better one. We’ll remember 2009 as a tough year for many, many Americans, even those who you don’t hear complaining much. We had our moments too, here at the Chile Underground World Headquarters and at our far-flung global offices. The Head Penguin lost her job in the high-tech industry, but she readily admits she’d overstayed her welcome; she’d started telling the truth, and as Dilbert will promise you, that’s a death knell to any career. Consulting, and consequently travel, was seriously curtailed, so the Chile Doctor had plenty of time on his hands for writing inane and often insipid prose, both on his myriad blogs and on two blockbuster-to-be novels.

Were there good things in the passing twelvemonth? The Penguin Queen and I made a full pilgrimage to Ireland, and found we were more Irish than we could have imagined. That all-too-short trip was documented in over 200 photos (out of the 7,800 actually taken!) and nearly 30,000 words of insight, right here on the Chile Underground. (I learned that it’s a good thing we don’t make several such trips each year; my keyboard could barely keep up, and we nearly wore out a pair of digital cameras.) We posted recipes and kept you smiling with Follies. We even broke new ground in Web blogalism (no, that’s not some dread disease with a twelve-step recovery program) with themed months that had never seen the light of day before, such as Asian Noodle Month and Spicy Italian Month. We zoomed past the 400 post mark, and then the 500 post mark, with nary a scratch on any fender. The 600 billboard looms, and will soon be in the rear-view mirror.

It was a good year, in many respects. So long, 2009.

The New Year dawns clear and bright here in central Texas, though, and like many others who have the ability to overcome experience and go on with life, we’re looking at some interesting opportunities. I’ll be teaching at the University more, enjoying the energy and vitality of youth. Yet Another Childhood! Good science, laughing and learning, and the promise and anticipation of the next generation. Grouch Marx once said, “You’re only as old as the woman you feel.” He was close; I find you’re really only as old as the fledglings you teach and mentor. (In that case, the world had better take shelter.) PJ will be looking for different employment, and has targeted a couple of options. My advice to them: Give In Early! It’s easier on everybody that way. Of course, the Chile Underground will thrive, with new recipes, novel insights and the occasional dose of unprincipled loopiness. All just as you’ve come to expect.

Whether you feel you had a good or a terrible 2009, I hope you see good and hopeful prospects in 2010. After all, it’s the reason we break up our time’s passage into years, so you can always have a new one coming to renew your spirits and ambitions. Whether you’ve resolved to lose weight (we have), spend more time with the kids, or eat more interesting meals, the Chile Underground is here to help. Here’s wishing you all the best…

Enjoy the (Hopeful New Beginnings) Heat!

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Technorati : New Year, celebration, hope, renewal

In an attempt to catch up on some stuff that’s now only a year old bring you the latest in life-changing, fast-food news, we share with you an article recently shown in the new, improved Slashfood. It seems that a couple of budding young mixologist wannabes have “invented” (I’m sure that word is completely inadequate to explain their alcohol-soaked delusions) a new drink: The McNuggetini. The “drink” combines “dinner, dessert and booze, in one chalice of multitasking.” The inventors, Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark, claim this concoction is their most famous. They give no indication of what’s in second place; which is good for everybody’s sanity, I’m sure.

The McNuggetini combines a chocolate shake, barbeque sauce (on the rim), and vanilla vodka. That’s certainly three of my favorite liquid flavors! So where’s the McNugget part come in? Where’s the promised dinner? Where’s the beef? (Oops, wrong fast food emporium.) Well, they provide the meat garnish, of course! So explore your inner glutton and whip up a pitcher or two for your next Holiday party. Especially if the only attendees you expect are the dreaded in-laws. I can almost guarantee you’ll have a quiet Christmas season next year. Shoot, this year too, if you get right on this one! You can even leave one under the tree for ol’ Saint Nick, if you’re tired of receiving gifts.

On a different note, the Underground Elves in charge of the Month of Living Dangerously have found an even more bizarre meal for your consideration. (After the McNuggetini, “bizarre” may have a whole new meaning.) Indeed, this item is a true double-whammy: A report on a scrumptious, new 30,000 calorie sandwich, AND a bonus link to a website that glamorizes gluttony! How can you resist an offer like that, eh? Presenting: The New Internet Porn. The website is This is Why You’re Fat. There’s plenty of juicy (and I mean, Juicy) photos on there, like the Icingcano, the Double Coronary Burger, Deviled Corndogs (actually sounds good, somehow), and my new favorite dessert, the Smortuary: marshmallows, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, S’mores Pop-Tarts and chocolate sauce. And the pièce de résistance: The 20,000 30,000 Calorie Sandwich. (Just in case you don’t think this is food porn, consider the Porkgasm.)

We here at the Underground realize that you’ve stuck with us through thick and thin, including slaw dogs and the world’s biggest hamburger; so why not this stuff, right? So go overdose on some good, clean food porn (it’s not bad for you like sex, which will make you go blind), and let me know how that quintuple bypass comes out…

Enjoy the (Truly Weird Eats) Heat!

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Technorati : Follies, McDonalds, McNuggetini, adult beverages, fast food

The Research Elves at the Chile Underground are sleeping off their latest foray into hallucinogenesis have dug around and found a Most Important Item for you to consider. It’s well within the specific parameters that delineate the wonderful event that is the Month of Eating Dangerously; namely, whatever we say they are.

The item in question is Tactical Bacon, a wonderful idea that I wish I’d come up with, so I’d be rich. Indeed, it’s so wonderful that I think you need to get online Right Now and order a case! Every well-stocked bunker should have some. I know all my separatist buddies in Texas are bound to have a huge stash of it, right next to their boxes of Bacon Salt. After all, if you’re going to survive the end of Civilization as We Know It, you might as well do it in style! And this stuff is so stylish it lasts for ten years or more. All you need is a good hacksaw or riding jackhammer to get into it. Yes sirree, Tac Bac is something no self-respecting family man would be caught without.

So order up a bunch for your Christmas stocking. Do it now! As a last resort, you can use it to “swine and dine” your lovely spouse, as you hide out from the law in your bomb shelter. I’ll never tell (the authorities where you are)…

Enjoy the (Bacony Canned) Heat!

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Technorati : MOED, Texas, bacon salt, canned bacon, survival, tac bac, tactical bacon

In a bid to give “fast food” a whole new meaning, a manager at a Sonic drive-in recently cooked up a lot more than an Ex-Long Chili Cheese Coney with Tater Tots. You see, he was also cooking up methamphetamines. On store property, in the restaurant’s equipment. According to the Associated Press,

Police arrived at the Cape Girardeau, Mo., Sonic drive-in, about 115 miles south of Saint Louis, shortly before 2 a.m. on Thursday to discover 27-year-old Dennie L. Bratcher allegedly attempting to whip up a batch of meth in the restaurant…

“The management of the drive-in is fully cooperating with the police investigation into this incident,” Woodworth says. “Because this is a criminal matter, we are unable to discuss the situation to avoid possibly interfering with the ongoing police investigation. This is a very unpleasant situation and we regret the effect this may have had on our employees or our loyal customers.”

Let’s be absolutely clear here: The Underground doesn’t condone the production of illegal drugs, nor their distribution and consumption. We’re really not even poking fun (well, not much, anyways) at one of our favorite hamburger emporia. But you must admit, Mr. Bratcher must have some kind of cojones to even consider attempting what he’s alleged to have tried. It may not be funny ha-ha, but it sure is funny-odd.

The whole store is being cleaned out and everything tossed away to assure that no remnants of the drug or its chemical precursors remain on the premises. Making meth can be a most hazardous undertaking, in spite of its reported ease of manufacture. I sure hope they don’t forget anything in their housecleaning, or some unsuspecting patrons could become as speedy as, well, Sonic the Hedgehog…

Enjoy the (Bizarre Fast Food Ingredient) Heat!

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Technorati : Friday Follies, Sonic, fast food, methamphetamines

Shrimp are popular for parties this time of year. You see them on all sorts of snack platters at various functions and celebrations! They make an appearance fried or boiled, peeled or not; with all sorts of sauces, many of them superposable. (That’s the word of the day, just had to get that in there.) After about the thirty-seventh social the shrimp all seem about the same: Eaten one megaplatter, eaten them all.

Well, here’s a way to change all that. Holiday Pepper Shrimp is a dish that you simply can’t forget that easily! Its Jamaican heritage, with their penchant for pungency, will guarantee that:

• Holiday Pepper Shrimp

The beauty of this prep is how quick and easy it is! The only difficult part is mincing the chiles. And yes, I strongly recommend using gloves for that step. And face protection, if you’re the kind of cook that sometimes touches a cheek. Or worse yet, an eye. Habañero peppers are among the hottest known, and the amount of capsaicin you can get on your skin from working with them is astounding. Nature’s very own nerve warfare agent! However, the fruity heat of the Habañero is worth it. If you really have to use milder chiles, try Serranos. Jalapeño peppers have a grassy essence that may not match well with the shrimp…

Enjoy the (Jamaican Holiday Shrimp) Heat!

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Technorati : F4F, Fish 4 Friday, Jamaican food, Pepper Shrimp, fiery food, recipe, seafood, shrimp