Friday Food Follies VI
Table of contents for Friday Food Follies
It’s been a tough week, fighting blog security issues and dealing with all the pre-Christmas details. So it’s time to lighten up with some food news! This week we bring you the best in food fights, fattening fare and fasinating foodcams. Lest we get too carried away, we will also provide a leavening of sad news; but let’s leave that for the end, shall we?
All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go But to Ronald’s House
Memphis, Tennessee is apparently upgrading its nightlife. A recent report of a fun time brouhaha at a McDonald’s there highlights this emerging trend.
Seems a trio of transvestites hit the late-night drive-through at McDonald’s, just looking for a little respect; oh, and maybe a few thousand calories of burgers, fries, and such. When employee Martez Brisco ignored them at the drive-thru, the frivolity escalated:
Restaurant employee Martez Brisco was working the drive-through window when he reportedly got into an argument with the suspects. When Brisco ignored them tapping at the window, they came in. “They come to the window, ‘Tap, tap, tap.’ I’m still ignoring them,” Brisco told WMC-TV. “I guess that just pissed them off worser.”
The Tres Amigos came inside, bringing a tire-iron as a stimulus, and proceeded to stimulate the night manager. They may wear aunt Matilda’s knickers, but they come ready to party! It’s reported the drag queens took off their earrings and stiletto-heeled boots before engaging in their vigorous physical exercise; wouldn’t want an earlobe pulled out, that really, really hurts! (I wouldn’t know, I only heard about it.) And besides, you can’t get a really powerful swing without good footing, and four-inch heels just aren’t that stable. Trust me.
The manager, a fellow named Bolton, was scratched repeatedly by the cross-dressers’ long, faux nails, but he fought back gamely. He tossed a pot of scalding-hot french-fry grease at the trio, who retaliated by smacking him down with the wet floor sign; you know, the one with “Piso Mojado” on it? (Why anybody would Piso on the Mojado, I don’t know.) Bolton was finally transported to the hospital, but not until after the attackers left in a huff and broke the drive-through window as they drove off.
I guess that final, spiteful action was because they knew they couldn’t get any fries with anything, what with the grease spilled and all. Now McDonald’s will have to send another whole thingie of oil to that site; and the paperwork!
The moral is, don’t ignore those funny-looking guys in the hot-pants and miniskirts! They’re just like everybody else; in Memphis, at least…
She’s Not Heavy, She Eats Ice Cream…
Okay, it’s not the best lyric you ever sung along to. But Health Magazine, in conjunction with iVillage and the Today Show, are presenting a case that ice cream, red meat, eggs, pizza and even Canadian bacon can help you lose weight and keep it off. Where are the Mythbusters when you need them?
The article is great, as far as it goes. But for a Real Man, it clearly doesn’t go far enough. And for most women, I bet it’s not in line with their usual eating habits. Red meat: Limit intake to a piece the size of a deck of cards?? Well, doesn’t somebody sell some larger cards? Please?? And the ice cream comments, based on a report by the Swedes; half a cup? Man, that’s like, only four ounces! How can you beat down a good depression with that small an amount of ice cream?
It’s clearly unworkable, and so I think it’s a conspiracy. (Mel Gibson’s got nothing on me!) You see, it works like this: The meat and dairy producers are hurting, what with all the folks dieting right after Thanksgiving (or getting ready to do so, in January). So they’ve found a clever way to get you to eat more: Tell you it’s good for you! So you get a little down, you eat a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, with extra sprinkles. While watching a Mel Gibson movie. (I suggest any of the Lethal Weapon franchise.) Then you realize what you’ve done, and you get really depressed, so you chow down on pizza, burgers, and another quart of ice cream for dessert. Pretty soon, you’re getting your clothes tailored by Goodyear, and the food industries are richer than ever.
Yeah, that’s gotta be it.
The Most Fascinating Webcam (Involving Food)
I know many of you are avid webcam junkies. (Don’t worry, I won’t tell your spouse.) If you want to see a truly riveting presentation, then point your browser here. Believe me, you’ve never seen anything like it. Ever.
I watched this site for hours, I couldn’t move! It was more fascinating than Emeril Live reruns. (More on that later.) Of course, when the doorbell rang I was startled out of my slumber and then I was cranky all afternoon; I don’t do well if my nappie gets interrupted.
So Go! Visit now! There have been over 1.7 million views so far, and there’s only about 23 days left! Don’t wait, you might miss it. Or as my father-in-law said, “You snooze, you snooze.”
And Now For the Bad News
It’s not all Follies out there. Some truly disheartening news came over the wire this week, and I feel compelled to share it with you. I actually have two pieces of bad news, and I’m in a quandary about which to share with you first. So let’s get started…
The End of an Era
The Associated Press is reporting the passing of an old friend: Emeril Live will cease production after ten years and more than 1,000 shows. The last live taping will take place on December 11th in New York. (Better hurry and get your tickets!)
This is truly sad news. How many folks across America, and indeed around the world, learned from Emeril to give a standing ovation for garlic? How many cooks now yell out “Bam!” when they season their dishes? And how many home chefs can’t really cook a great dinner without their band playing in the breakfast nook? (I know I can’t.) Yes, it’s a watershed event, history at its purest.
But buck up, friends. Emeril will still appear (pretty much) daily on the Food TV Network, as his other show, “The Essence of Emeril,” will still be taping and airing regularly. At least until that contract comes up for renewal next year. And Food TV is committed to airing reruns, as well as having Emeril involved with “specials and other development opportunities in the future,” Food Network publicist Carrie Welch told The Associated Press.
So see, it’s not all bad news! You can still get your daily fix of Emeril. You may even get to hear a classic “Oh yeah, babe!” or “It’s a pork fat thing” some evenings.
Who Says There’s No Inflation in This Economy? Not Anheuser-Busch
It’s the little things in life. Except for when it’s the big things. Like inflation. Up to now, nobody’s raised much of a fuss. However, the rise in prices has now taken an ugly turn: 2008 will be the Year of More Expensive Beer. Yes, they’re going to hit you right where it hurts the most: The Beer Belly.
Seems there were some small price increases in 2007, barely enough to keep giant Anheuser-Busch in the black. They now expect that demand for domestic beer will firm up in 2008 and they can increase prices enough to meet their lofty growth goals. To help this effort, they plan to double their spending on advertising in the coming year.
Look for more inane commercials than ever, including a “surprise” series of Superbowl ads with the Bud Light young Clydesdales in a mud-wrestling championship. Or something. And it could get ugly as the Beer Wars heat up to grab all that filthy lucre. So sit back, pop open a cold one (if you can afford it) and enjoy the show!
Stop the Presses! Breaking News!! Al Gore Got It Wrong!!!
This just in: The Real Reason global warming is destroying the planet has finally been determined! And Al Gore (who now has won three useless prizes: The popular vote, an Emmy, and a Nobel Peace Prize) was WRONG!!!
Mark it down, you heard it here first. The Real Reason lies north of us. Canada, to be exact. Yes, our funny-talking, hockey-stick-wielding, hard-drinking cousins are responsible for man-made global warming. It says so right here! So it’s not gas from domesticated bovines, nor methane from the ocean. It’s not even the latest idea, earthworm farts. It’s Canadian beer lovers and their inefficient beer refrigerators.
“People need to understand the impact of their lifestyles,” British environmental consultant Joanna Yarrow tells New Scientist magazine. “Clearly the environmental implications of having a frivolous luxury like a beer fridge are not hitting home. This research helps inform people - let’s hope it has an effect.”
Of course it has an effect! But nobody in Canada will believe their beloved beer fridges are a “frivolous luxury.” I mean, would you? I certainly wouldn’t, and to make me even more resistant to Dr. Yarrow’s message, I’m down to only two beer fridges as it is!
To dig even deeper, to get to the real root of the problem:
The problem is that the beer fridges are mostly decades-old machines that began their second careers as beverage dispensers when Canadians upgraded to more energy-efficient models to store whatever Canadians eat besides doughnuts and poutine.
University of Alberta researcher Denise Young, who led the study, suggests that provincial authorities hold beer-fridge buy-backs or round-ups to eliminate the threat - methods that Americans use to get guns off the streets.
So you see? It’s a major threat for sure, but we can get these ozone-destroying, coal-and-gas-guzzling monstrosities out of service with a simple piece of social engineering! The same mechanism we’ve used so successfully for years here in the States, to get guns out of the hands of criminals. (And like my Canadian brethren, they’ll get my beer fridge When they pry my cold, dead lips off the last bottle.)
Now doesn’t that make you feel better? So relax, and
Enjoy the (Humorous) Heat!
One Response to “Friday Food Follies VI”
November 30th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
[...] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerptYou see, it works like this: The meat and dairy producers are hurting, what with all the folks dieting right after Thanksgiving (or getting ready to do so, in January). So they’ve found a clever way to get you to eat more: Tell you it’s … [...]
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