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Phelps Phood Lacks Phlavor

Olympic Swimming

Today, Michael Phelps is the phastest and most decorated swimmer in Olympic history. He scored his sixth Gold in Beijing last night, and simultaneously his sixth World Record of the curent games.

He’s clearly the best athlete in the pool. Some are arguing he’s the best ever. At any sport. (I still got him in tiddlywinks, though.)

How does he do it? All the pundits talk about his physique, his exercise regimen, his phocus. There’s another dimention to the phenomenal Olympian, though.

It’s the phood he eats.

Mostly, it’s the quantity. He consumes over 12,000 calories a day. That’s phour times the daily requirements for marathon runners. Phew!

According to the Guardian, here’s a typical day for Michael, phood-wise:

Breakfast: Three fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise.
A five-egg omelet.
A bowl of grits.
Three slices of French toast with powdered sugar.
Three chocolate pancakes.
Two cups of coffee.

Lunch: A pound of pasta with tomato sauce.
Two large ham, cheese, and mayo sandwiches on white bread.
Energy drinks.

Dinner: A pound of pasta with tomato sauce.
Six to eight pizza slices (basically, a whole pizza!).
Energy drinks.

Phrankly, I don’t see how he phinds the time or the jaw strength to eat all this. Talk about a pheeding phrenzy!

The only sad news, besides the phact that you have to be an Olympic athlete to eat like this: Not a chile to be phound in the whole menu!

Maybe I’ll have to send him a better diet, one that contains capsaicin-loaded comestibles. That way, he can get that extra endorphin boost he’ll need to break his own records…

Enjoy the (Phast-Phish) Heat!

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