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Saturday Salmagundi: Food News You Missed

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We scour the food news regularly here at the Underground. In an effort to leave no stone untossed, here are some food news bits that didn’t make it into the Follies, but are still important for your amusement entertainment edification.

For some folks, New Year’s Eve wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. A tractor-trailer rig hauling a load of eggs through the mega-burb of Ypsilanti, Michigan overturned, causing emergency workers to scramble to get the road open again. Seems the driver fell asleep, although there’s some concern that he, er, egg-celerated on slippery conditions. He survived, but breakfast for thousands suffered from his fowl play. And that’s no yolk!

A KGB-trained analyst claims the good ol’ U.S. of A. will be broken up for parts like a Carl Icahn takover in the next two years. He’s the talk of the daytime teevee circuit in Russia these days, as most Russians blame the current global economic crisis on us. There’s a fatal flaw in his argument, though: Food. He uses all sorts of clever (but specious) arguments for his case, but he completely overlooked cuisine in the mix.

For instance, he’s giving Alaska to Russia. Okay, after the last election debacle I’m good with that. They don’t eat much but caribou and salmon anyways. But putting California with Utah and sending them all to China? Hardly. I’ve been to California and seen what they eat; there’s no way the Chinese would stand still for that. And Utah politics would nix that merger in any case.

It’s also obvious that he’s never been to Louisiana. Combining them with Texas? What a joke. Doesn’t matter who he says we’re going to be allied with, the Republic of Texas won’t stand for letting too much Cajun influence in here. Doesn’t matter that we all eat rice and blackened fish, we’re just being polite.

He also made a big mistake splitting Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and the Carolinas from the South and giving them to (gasp!) New York. Sorry, those cuisines are so incompatible that any foodie can only laugh sadly and shake their head. That doesn’t include the line Mr. Dixon and Mr. Mason drew either.

Yes, he’s clearly not been over here enough to really know what lines we’d split on. It’s more about food than politics, of course. From that perspective, about the only part Panarin got right was that stretch from Montana to Ohio. They don’t eat any cuisine up there, so Canada can have them…

Enjoy the (Odd News) Heat!

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