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Friday Follies: Yet Another Use for Squash, Meals You Can't Afford, and Bacon-Flavored Soda

Orange Gourds

Lots of weird stories that involve food these days…

Remember how a Montana woman, using only a common kitchen zucchini, managed to run off a rampaging bear? Well, our reportage of that singular event must have inspired a certain food delivery person who came upon a situation ideal for Yet Another Vegetableaceous Intervention. (I’m gonna patent that word.)

Seems the truck driver was dropping off some supplies at a corner market in Manchester, New Hampshire when he came upon a robbery in progress. Now most folks would simply turn and run. But no, this fellow, using only his wits and a handy gourd, managed to foil the robbery AND capture the villain. He grabbed up the hapless veggie and whacked the miscreant upside his, er, gourd. At which point the gourd (the vegetable, not the meaty one) exploded. The energy transfer was sufficient, though, and with the shopkeep’s help the misdeed was nipped.

Does that mean we’ve been spelling things wrong all these years? Maybe we should say “security gourd” instead of “security guard” …

In other news, a recent article details some of the meals that nobody can afford. Certainly not in these parlous economic times. An omelet that costs $1,000? Cheese sandwiches that set you back nearly two C-notes? Or how about a private picnic for a mere $2,700; surely you can afford that, yes? Well, then what about some bait sushi that only costs $450, for the whole meal? (That doesn’t include taxes, nor beverages.) I got suspicious when the sushi chef, Masa Takayama, was referred to as “revered” in the article. Oh, and you have to go to New York to get that meal. But hey, cancellations are okay; they only cost $200 a person. Cheap…

Bacon Slab

Finally, there’s been an important breakthrough in the soft drinks market. And not just by some minor bunch of losers niche-market firm. No, this innovation comes from the fellows who brought us Bacon Salt and Baconnaise. That’s right, sodas and bacon have finally met their match: Each other! You can now get bacon-flavored soda. And if you order now (just in time for Christmas), you can get a whole package of bacon-flavored goodies. Like not one, but two, bottles of bacon soda. With a tube of bacon-flavored lip balm. And a box of bacon popcorn. But wait, there’s more! You get a package of bacon gravy mix.

Like a real Texan needs that last one…

Enjoy the (Wacky Whacky Food) Heat!

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