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Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)

This entry is part of a series, Follies 2011»

Serving Beer

Okay, so it’s nearly time for the Super Bowl, and you really, really want to impress the gang that will attack descend on your domicile like the Vandals sacking Rome. Maybe you can make some of those cute little snacks? You know, the ones where you take a cracker, some spray Cheez Whiz, and an olive and simply spray-and-shove. You can make those things by the hundreds, right? (I forget what you call them; Horsie Doovers? Canned Apes? Something high-falutin’ and fancy.)

Naw, your crowd likes Velveeta dip and Fritos Scoops. They want chili cheese fries and barbeque sandwiches. And they want beer.

Lots and lots of beer.

No problem, you say. You live next door to the beer distributor guy. (I do; don’t you?) You can order in advance, and he’ll even drop it off the day before. Cans, bottles, kegs; whatever you need. All it takes is money.

But then there’s the problem of sufficiently rapid decanting of brew to meet demand. Okay, I’ll translate: How’re you gonna pour beer fast enough? Up until now, that’s been a real problem. You can attempt to gang-press the Primary Spousal Units into being the wait staff. (Let me know how well that works for you; I’ll send flowers to your hospital room.) You can assign fellows from the crowd, at random, to serve as beer caterers for portions of the party. (I bet that works even worse than having women do it.) You can set things up for self-serve, if you have enough floor space. And can afford the 10-man cleanup crew on the Monday after. Finally, you can do it all yourself. Provided you really don’t want to see any of the game, I mean.

Beer Taps

No, none of those options are completely satisfying. Indeed, this has been a quandary ever since they televised Wellington’s side whomping up on that little French feller, back in the day. You know, the one that Russki wrote the music for. Yeah, it’s been a big challenge for a Very Long Time.

But not anymore! Nowadays we’ve got technology. And it’s available to everybody for a nominal sum! You simply need to get one of GrinOn Industries’ “Bottoms Up Draft Beer Dispensing Systems” and a few cases of their special plastic cups. (Your regular 32 ounce plastic beer mug won’t work.) Oh, and a few of those kegs of beer that your neighbor says he can get for ya.

How good is this machine? Watch the video and see for yourself! Why, three fellows used only a little bit of planning and some evenings of practice to perfect a method that let them pour 56 beers in 60 seconds. That ought to just about handle any crowd you can get together to watch The Game on your 108-inch flat-panel TV. Of course, there won’t be nearly so many trying to see football as there have been in years past; they’ll all be playing with your Bottoms…

Enjoy the (Football-Appropriate Beer Gear) Heat!

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Entries in this series:
  1. Friday Follies: Weirdest Snacks, Dumb (and Hungry) Burglars, and Why Google is Like Bananas
  2. Friday Follies: Cakes That Make You Laugh (Maybe), and Which Food Best Represents Your State
  3. Friday Follies: Green Bugs to Replace Red Meat On Your Plate?
  4. Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)
  5. How Beer Saved the World (and, You Heard It Here First!)
  6. Friday Follies: Become a Professional Beer Expert (And You Thought All You Had to Do Was Drink)
  7. What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way
  8. Follies Extra: Is That a Chile Pepper On Your Plate, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
  9. Friday Follies: Oh, You Wanted the Mayo On the Side, Eh?
  10. Friday Follies: Eating Like a Monk During Lent
  11. Friday Follies: O No, You Got a Spork in the Salad Shooter!
  12. Friday Follies: Food Network Now Wants to Play Ball
  13. Friday Follies: Chile Underground Voted Number One Food Blog
  14. Friday Follies: Beer, It's What's for Breakfast
  15. Friday Follies: The End of the World is Nigh, and Bacon is to Blame
  16. Virtual Reality Gives “Cookie Monster” a Whole New Meaning
  17. Friday Follies: Do-It-Yourself Egg Art, and That’s No Yolk
  18. Burger Follies: A Fight Over Killer Burgers, In-N-Out in Texas, and Burger America Goes Second Edition
  19. Friday Follies: Once I Saw These, I Didn’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance…
  20. Friday Follies: Peppers Help Preggers to Pop
  21. Follies: Barbeque That Goes Where You Go, All Day Long
  22. Follies: How to Carry Your Liquor, and Don’t Do’s at the Bar
  23. Going to China for the Aquatics Championships? Don’t Eat the Pork…
  24. Zesty Chili Doesn’t Make Lingerie More Exciting for One Woman
  25. Follies: Edible Clay, Eu de Play-Doh, and a Website You Can’t Live Without
  26. Important News Concerning Two Essential Food Groups: Beer and Hamburgers
  27. Follies Extra: A Multitude of Uses for Beer (Besides Drinking)
  28. Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?
  29. Who Says Lutherans Don’t Know How to Party? Watch This…
  30. There’s Something Big Stirring at UMass…
  31. Salsa Proves Too Hot for Owner; He’s Smoked…
  32. Would You Like Some Al Yankovic With That Veal Cordon Bleu? And Other Food-Music News
  33. A Salmagundi of Savory Silliness
  34. Doritos Situation Grave, and (Lust for) Alcohol Makes You Stupid
  35. “A Bear Walked Into a Grocery…” And It’s No Joke…
  36. French Ban Ketchup? This Means War! Again…
  37. Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger
  38. Pizza as Vegetable? Okay; Why Not Chocolate, or Cheez Whiz, or Kool Whip, or …
  39. A Meal That Makes You Glad You Have Leftovers From Thanksgiving
  40. Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever
  41. If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)
  42. No Eat Strong Pig, Eat Monster Gummy Bear Instead
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