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What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way

This entry is part of a series, Follies 2011»

Heavy Metal Dining

The Jetsons Age is closer than you think! Kraft Foods and Intel have teamed up to produce a novel solution to a problem you really didn’t know you had: How to get ideas for dinner.

Oh, it’s an age-old question, for sure. (Or maybe Old Age?) And I’m sure you spend hours daily agonizing over your options. Especially whenever work is the alternative to mere mental torment. But you never thought you’d see the day when you could give up all that angst, did you. Never fear, automation’s here. The Modern Age has finally produced something vital to civilization. (Or at least unusual.)

The KraftBot kiosk is the answer. All this marvelous little toy has to do is see your face, and Voila! Choices magically appear on its screen. All using Kraft food items, of course.

This magic is based on Intel’s Connected Store interactive shopping platform. The kiosk uses its built-in camera to scan your face, then crunches some behind-the-screen code on the video feed and “decides” what you aught to try for dinner. Age and gender appropriate choices. As long as it’s from Kraft, of course.

VendingA whole plethora (work THAT word into your next dinner party!) of opportunities come to mind from this technology. Clothes shopping just got a whole lot easier for us guys, don’t you think? Walk up to a kiosk, glower at the screen for a few seconds, then punch some buttons. When your wife objects that you have houndstooth pants and checkered shirts, well, you’ve got the perfect out: “But honey, the machine says it’s appropriate for me!” I mean, you never had a defense anyways, but at least this way you’ve got a machine to blame.

Valentine’s Day is next week; wouldn’t this method make things a snap? Feed in a picture of your PSU (Primary Spousal Unit), wait a bit, and Bingo! Choices, ranked from “Ultra Cheap” to “I Can’t Afford That Either.” Oh, and a scroll button to the Really Good Stuff, in case you’re not yet hitched (or you’re looking to toss away some money). Make your selection, grab your loot and run. Shoot, you could even wait until the last minute and still get what you need! (And after that, maybe what you deserve.)

Travel just got easier too! You go to the TSA check-in completely naked, except for a credit card and your e-ticket. That gets you through fast. (Really fast.) No need for any power pat-downs! Then, once you’re inside stir in the secure side, you simply kiosk-hop until you have everything you need! And you’ll still make your flight on time. (No bets on your flight status next time ’round.)

I can hardly capture all the ideas popping in my head on this topic. Anniversaries, graduations, bar mitzvahs; the list goes on and on. Can you imagine what this will do to the DIY industry? Amazing! Any sort of doodad you want. And don’t get me started on the entertainment possibilities. Everything from first-run videos to blow-up dolls. (With all your choices going into a government database somewhere too, I bet; don’t get paranoid, they’re only trying to help.)

I think I’m on my way to buy me a franchise or two now; I just don’t know if I have to approach Intel first, or Kraft…

Enjoy the (Dinner Challenges Solved) Heat!

Entries in this series:
  1. Friday Follies: Weirdest Snacks, Dumb (and Hungry) Burglars, and Why Google is Like Bananas
  2. Friday Follies: Cakes That Make You Laugh (Maybe), and Which Food Best Represents Your State
  3. Friday Follies: Green Bugs to Replace Red Meat On Your Plate?
  4. Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)
  5. How Beer Saved the World (and, You Heard It Here First!)
  6. Friday Follies: Become a Professional Beer Expert (And You Thought All You Had to Do Was Drink)
  7. What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way
  8. Follies Extra: Is That a Chile Pepper On Your Plate, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
  9. Friday Follies: Oh, You Wanted the Mayo On the Side, Eh?
  10. Friday Follies: Eating Like a Monk During Lent
  11. Friday Follies: O No, You Got a Spork in the Salad Shooter!
  12. Friday Follies: Food Network Now Wants to Play Ball
  13. Friday Follies: Chile Underground Voted Number One Food Blog
  14. Friday Follies: Beer, It's What's for Breakfast
  15. Friday Follies: The End of the World is Nigh, and Bacon is to Blame
  16. Virtual Reality Gives “Cookie Monster” a Whole New Meaning
  17. Friday Follies: Do-It-Yourself Egg Art, and That’s No Yolk
  18. Burger Follies: A Fight Over Killer Burgers, In-N-Out in Texas, and Burger America Goes Second Edition
  19. Friday Follies: Once I Saw These, I Didn’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance…
  20. Friday Follies: Peppers Help Preggers to Pop
  21. Follies: Barbeque That Goes Where You Go, All Day Long
  22. Follies: How to Carry Your Liquor, and Don’t Do’s at the Bar
  23. Going to China for the Aquatics Championships? Don’t Eat the Pork…
  24. Zesty Chili Doesn’t Make Lingerie More Exciting for One Woman
  25. Follies: Edible Clay, Eu de Play-Doh, and a Website You Can’t Live Without
  26. Important News Concerning Two Essential Food Groups: Beer and Hamburgers
  27. Follies Extra: A Multitude of Uses for Beer (Besides Drinking)
  28. Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?
  29. Who Says Lutherans Don’t Know How to Party? Watch This…
  30. There’s Something Big Stirring at UMass…
  31. Salsa Proves Too Hot for Owner; He’s Smoked…
  32. Would You Like Some Al Yankovic With That Veal Cordon Bleu? And Other Food-Music News
  33. A Salmagundi of Savory Silliness
  34. Doritos Situation Grave, and (Lust for) Alcohol Makes You Stupid
  35. “A Bear Walked Into a Grocery…” And It’s No Joke…
  36. French Ban Ketchup? This Means War! Again…
  37. Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger
  38. Pizza as Vegetable? Okay; Why Not Chocolate, or Cheez Whiz, or Kool Whip, or …
  39. A Meal That Makes You Glad You Have Leftovers From Thanksgiving
  40. Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever
  41. If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)
  42. No Eat Strong Pig, Eat Monster Gummy Bear Instead
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