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Miralax and Powerade Do Not a Dinner Make


I’m hungry.

Two days ago I had to give up snacks. Oh, I ate well for meals, since I could have steak and such. But no high-fiber anything. Yesterday things went downhill a bit more. And today, nothing but water. All Day Long.

Until this evening, when things took a major turn for the worse. A real bummer, so to speak…

I had to drink a half-gallon of water during the day. Not a problem, since some of that “water” could be coffee. Without creamer, but I can tough it out when required. I actually had ten cups of fluids! But no snacks. No candy. No pretzels. No Whataburgers. No nothin’.

Then at six this evening the torture started. Another half-gallon of fluids, down the hatch, in under two hours. Specially prepared stuff. I started with two quarts of Powerade, the low-calorie version as I didn’t want to blow out my blood sugar. Into that colored concoction I dissolved a full 238 grams of Miralax. Lovely stuff, that. It’s basically an industrial polymer, in powder form. Dissolves better than sugar, actually. Then I put the liquid back into the chill chest to wait for torture time the big event.

No, it’s not some arcane extreme eating showdown. It’s preparation for a medical procedure. The details of which you don’t really want to contemplate. You know which one, though, if you think about it. (Don’t gross yourself out.)

So how much Miralax is that, exactly? It’s fourteen full doses for normal situations. Or roughly enough polymer to push a one-ton concrete parking barricade through a plugged pachyderm. I now know why the doctor prescribed plenty of reading material.

And baby wipes. The aloe kind. Two boxes, preferably.

It’s still a dozen hours until Doomsday I check in for the procedure. I wonder: Can a man starve to death overnight? It sure feels like I’m off to an effective start…

Enjoy the (Purgative Power of Polymers) Heat!


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