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Bacon News Too Important to Wait for Friday

SlabBacon

I was going to hold this important bit of useless, insane trivia important news until Friday’s Follies. But then I realized it was way too important to be withheld from the masses. Especially the massive Web potatoes important viewers here at the Chile Underground. The smartest, best looking bunch of foodies in the whole world. That like zesty food. And stuff. (There, did I butter you up enough? No? Well, too bad.)

Oh, yes; the news. There’s a new condiment that we all desperately need in our time of floods, tornadoes, earthquakes and impending Rapture. World, meet Squeez Bacon®.

Yep, that’s right. Bacon paste. In an upside-down squeeze bottle, like other classy condiments. Which means all your wishes have come true. You can die happy now with pork-flavored goo all over your face.

Just think of how this stuff will change your life. No need to set off the smoke alarm cook bacon for your BLT. Or (worse yet) attempt to cook enough bacon strips at breakfast to have some left over for lunch sandwiches. (Look, don’t even go there. I’ve run the experiment, it’s not humanly possible.) You won’t have all those cups of bacon grease saved up from cooking either. (I hope that doesn’t interfere with your love life.) Nope, now you get right to the point: Bacon flavor with out the fuss. You can put it on peanut butter and banana sandwiches. (Or sliced cucumbers instead of the fruit, if you’re bent that way.) It’s a premier pizza topping, especially for delivery pizza. (Shoot, this glop condiment is so flavorful you can eat the pizza box, if you spread the Squeez Bacon® around on it liberally.) Use on apple pie, even.

What a topping for baloney roasts! Mix it into your mac & cheese and you won’t even notice that powdery aftertaste. This stuff even makes Spam® musubi slide down easy.

Astound your sports-watching friends by showing you can make classy canapés, next time you have them over for the game. Get some Ritz® crackers (or better yet, Cheez-It®) and some sliced olives. The cheap kind like you usually serve your guests because they’ll hardly notice them. Spread some crackers around on a big plate, top each with a dollop of Squeez Bacon, and put an olive slice on top. Don’t throw away those red bits, if you’re in a hurry. They’ll think you spent hours in the kitchen! (No more carting out the trash or snaking out the commode, just so you can have the wifey make snacks for your beer-friendly friends.)

Once the first couple of cases are dead and the game’s really rolling, you can impress your buds by showing them how you can hold the Squeez Bacon bottle at full arm’s length and still hit your mouth, two squirts out of three. (Practice, practice, practice!)

Here’s a thought for you. If you’re one of those guys who’s a flop with chicks who has trouble connecting with the ladies (not my problem, now or ever, but I commiserate), just squeeze out a little of this aromatic paté onto a fingertip and rub it behind your ears. THEN go to the party. (Remember to mingle; standing along the wall and guarding the buffet won’t help.) Ah, sweet romance! Problem solved. (Take along your stick, in case there’s too much response for you to handle.)

And you thought Baconnaise was the pinnacle of modern technological civilization…

Enjoy the (Ultimate Dispensable Bacon) Heat!

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