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Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?

This entry is part of a series, Follies 2011»

Not Chocolate

Now you may think it’s patently obvious that chocolate is better than carrots. After all, you can’t make carrots into nice bars, just for starters. And while carrots are so sweet they’ve been used in place of sugar, you can’t make a nice hot drink from the orange veggie.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. No, there’s powerful medical news that says you should consider eating chocolate instead of carrots. For your eyes, I mean.

Seems a recent clinical study demonstrates that dark chocolate (the finest kind; my favorite) improves your ability to see in low-contrast situations. Poor weather, for instance. Another benefit is that it makes your brain sharper too. These benefits are in addition to those found previously, which include lowering blood pressure, improving platelet function and increasing insulin sensitivity.

The newest study, at the University of Reading, used a limited size population of only 30 folks, aged 18 to 25. (Why the age discrimination, I don’t know; although this something-over-25 chocoholic chocophile would like to know why HE couldn’t have been included.) They had to suffer through a battery of vision acuity testing and thinking skills measurements after first suffering through either a dark chocolate bar or a white one. Why the white one? Control, you see. No, not urge control! White chocolate has almost no flavanols, while dark chocolate has loads. I guess that means they were studying the effects of flavanols, eh? (I don’t know why they didn’t state that earlier.)

No word on whether chiles in your dark chocolate improves the effect. I guess that’s simply obvious, yes?

Dark Chocolate

Kraft Foods is trying to show that Miracle Whip is great for you too. You know Miracle Whip, that magical substitute for classical mayonnaise. Oh, they’re not pushing the flavanol content; no, they’re working on things like how it may have affected your marriage. And stuff like that. It’s called the “Not for Every Relationship” contest. All you have to do is make your own video and send it off to Kraft. Oh, it has to explain some things, like what Miracle Whip’s done for your marriage (or other key relationship). Who knows? You could win $25,000 for best video.

That’s a lot of Miracle Whip; or dark chocolate, if you prefer…

Enjoy the (Wacky Light and Dark Food Fun) Heat!

Entries in this series:
  1. Friday Follies: Weirdest Snacks, Dumb (and Hungry) Burglars, and Why Google is Like Bananas
  2. Friday Follies: Cakes That Make You Laugh (Maybe), and Which Food Best Represents Your State
  3. Friday Follies: Green Bugs to Replace Red Meat On Your Plate?
  4. Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)
  5. How Beer Saved the World (and, You Heard It Here First!)
  6. Friday Follies: Become a Professional Beer Expert (And You Thought All You Had to Do Was Drink)
  7. What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way
  8. Follies Extra: Is That a Chile Pepper On Your Plate, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
  9. Friday Follies: Oh, You Wanted the Mayo On the Side, Eh?
  10. Friday Follies: Eating Like a Monk During Lent
  11. Friday Follies: O No, You Got a Spork in the Salad Shooter!
  12. Friday Follies: Food Network Now Wants to Play Ball
  13. Friday Follies: Chile Underground Voted Number One Food Blog
  14. Friday Follies: Beer, It's What's for Breakfast
  15. Friday Follies: The End of the World is Nigh, and Bacon is to Blame
  16. Virtual Reality Gives “Cookie Monster” a Whole New Meaning
  17. Friday Follies: Do-It-Yourself Egg Art, and That’s No Yolk
  18. Burger Follies: A Fight Over Killer Burgers, In-N-Out in Texas, and Burger America Goes Second Edition
  19. Friday Follies: Once I Saw These, I Didn’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance…
  20. Friday Follies: Peppers Help Preggers to Pop
  21. Follies: Barbeque That Goes Where You Go, All Day Long
  22. Follies: How to Carry Your Liquor, and Don’t Do’s at the Bar
  23. Going to China for the Aquatics Championships? Don’t Eat the Pork…
  24. Zesty Chili Doesn’t Make Lingerie More Exciting for One Woman
  25. Follies: Edible Clay, Eu de Play-Doh, and a Website You Can’t Live Without
  26. Important News Concerning Two Essential Food Groups: Beer and Hamburgers
  27. Follies Extra: A Multitude of Uses for Beer (Besides Drinking)
  28. Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?
  29. Who Says Lutherans Don’t Know How to Party? Watch This…
  30. There’s Something Big Stirring at UMass…
  31. Salsa Proves Too Hot for Owner; He’s Smoked…
  32. Would You Like Some Al Yankovic With That Veal Cordon Bleu? And Other Food-Music News
  33. A Salmagundi of Savory Silliness
  34. Doritos Situation Grave, and (Lust for) Alcohol Makes You Stupid
  35. “A Bear Walked Into a Grocery…” And It’s No Joke…
  36. French Ban Ketchup? This Means War! Again…
  37. Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger
  38. Pizza as Vegetable? Okay; Why Not Chocolate, or Cheez Whiz, or Kool Whip, or …
  39. A Meal That Makes You Glad You Have Leftovers From Thanksgiving
  40. Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever
  41. If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)
  42. No Eat Strong Pig, Eat Monster Gummy Bear Instead
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