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Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger

This entry is part of a series, Follies 2011»

Tough Food

Arguably, it’s about food. Or at least what somebody thought was good enough to eat…

A woman from the Dallas area was assaulted by a man. Common story, right? Well, hold on, now. It gets better. Seems the man was selling a frozen armadillo to the woman. The price of the carcass, nicely frozen to preserve all its roadkill goodness, wasn’t to the liking of the buyer. The counteroffer must have made the fella mad, because he then began to wail on the prospective diner with the solid trophy.

Yes, the woman intended to eat the armadillo. (No word on intended recipe; I prefer pit-roasted with root vegetables, myself.)

The woman suffered contusions to the chest and leg. The man was arrested and charged with assault with a dead weapon…

In other news, a man in Philadelphia goes to a bar. Also common, yes? Out for a drink; happens thousands of times each day. Well, not like this! The man showed up with an automatic weapon and proceeds to blast the bar. (For bad food, bad service, or just having a bad day, they didn’t say.) The only thing that makes the man stop is, his getaway car is, well, getting away. He left it in reverse in his haste to make his emphatic statement concerning the tavern (or perhaps some of its patrons).

Okay, so shooting up a bar in Philly, that’s not so bad. I’ve been there, I’ve seen some of their offerings. However, this idiot spirited critic compounded his lunacy gaffe by shooting on cops as they arrived to check out the action. I guess the punishment will involve the perpetrator being served takeout pub fare from the affected boozerie for the rest of his life…

Finally, jumbo burgers are in the news again. Mallie’s Sports Grill & Bar, the Detroit-area folks who brought you the 186-lb burger just a couple of years ago (and a 319-lb monster just this past January), is weighing in on plush-sized pub grub, so to speak. Their latest creation weighs in at 338.6 pounds! Sporting 15 pounds of lettuce, 30 pounds of bacon (yum, bacon!), another 30 pounds of tomatoes and 36 pounds of cheese, the “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger” costs a mere $2,000 (yes, it’s officially on the menu) and comes with jumbo fries and a diet soda. That’s only 540,000 calories. I assume the 0.6 pounds extra was the stone-ground mustard, or something. In case you’re wondering, they will deliver this meal to your house; call for details.

This monstrosity took 22 hours to cook, reportedly. No info on what the sandwich actually tastes like…

Enjoy the (Weird Food News) Heat!

Entries in this series:
  1. Friday Follies: Weirdest Snacks, Dumb (and Hungry) Burglars, and Why Google is Like Bananas
  2. Friday Follies: Cakes That Make You Laugh (Maybe), and Which Food Best Represents Your State
  3. Friday Follies: Green Bugs to Replace Red Meat On Your Plate?
  4. Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)
  5. How Beer Saved the World (and, You Heard It Here First!)
  6. Friday Follies: Become a Professional Beer Expert (And You Thought All You Had to Do Was Drink)
  7. What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way
  8. Follies Extra: Is That a Chile Pepper On Your Plate, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
  9. Friday Follies: Oh, You Wanted the Mayo On the Side, Eh?
  10. Friday Follies: Eating Like a Monk During Lent
  11. Friday Follies: O No, You Got a Spork in the Salad Shooter!
  12. Friday Follies: Food Network Now Wants to Play Ball
  13. Friday Follies: Chile Underground Voted Number One Food Blog
  14. Friday Follies: Beer, It's What's for Breakfast
  15. Friday Follies: The End of the World is Nigh, and Bacon is to Blame
  16. Virtual Reality Gives “Cookie Monster” a Whole New Meaning
  17. Friday Follies: Do-It-Yourself Egg Art, and That’s No Yolk
  18. Burger Follies: A Fight Over Killer Burgers, In-N-Out in Texas, and Burger America Goes Second Edition
  19. Friday Follies: Once I Saw These, I Didn’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance…
  20. Friday Follies: Peppers Help Preggers to Pop
  21. Follies: Barbeque That Goes Where You Go, All Day Long
  22. Follies: How to Carry Your Liquor, and Don’t Do’s at the Bar
  23. Going to China for the Aquatics Championships? Don’t Eat the Pork…
  24. Zesty Chili Doesn’t Make Lingerie More Exciting for One Woman
  25. Follies: Edible Clay, Eu de Play-Doh, and a Website You Can’t Live Without
  26. Important News Concerning Two Essential Food Groups: Beer and Hamburgers
  27. Follies Extra: A Multitude of Uses for Beer (Besides Drinking)
  28. Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?
  29. Who Says Lutherans Don’t Know How to Party? Watch This…
  30. There’s Something Big Stirring at UMass…
  31. Salsa Proves Too Hot for Owner; He’s Smoked…
  32. Would You Like Some Al Yankovic With That Veal Cordon Bleu? And Other Food-Music News
  33. A Salmagundi of Savory Silliness
  34. Doritos Situation Grave, and (Lust for) Alcohol Makes You Stupid
  35. “A Bear Walked Into a Grocery…” And It’s No Joke…
  36. French Ban Ketchup? This Means War! Again…
  37. Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger
  38. Pizza as Vegetable? Okay; Why Not Chocolate, or Cheez Whiz, or Kool Whip, or …
  39. A Meal That Makes You Glad You Have Leftovers From Thanksgiving
  40. Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever
  41. If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)
  42. No Eat Strong Pig, Eat Monster Gummy Bear Instead
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