Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever

Some items you see, you just know they signal the impending doom of the universe. Our most recent sighting, here at the Chile Underground, involves toast. But not just any toast: Oh no, we’re talking truly, uhh, divine cauterized crusts…

Me thinks you seem skeptical. Well then, here’s the irrefutable proof, straight from the Internet. Which of course means it’s true. (I think that’s what irrefutable means, but I’m too lazy to look it up right now.) An inventor with obviously nothing better to do and plenty of time on his hands who is inspired to eat heavenly foods and has a truly warped sense of humor who likes a revelation in every slice at breakfast has perfected the popup toaster. His company, Burnt Impressions, recently started shipping the machines that literally crisp an image of Jesus Christ onto the face of the bread slices. Oh, you’re not into munching on the messiah? Well, he also sells versions that imprint the Virgin Mary, the Star of David, the Hindu deity Ganesh, or the crescent moon if Islam, if you’d prefer. Peace symbols; he’s got that too, along with a nice image of, er, inspirational herbs (in every sense of the word ‘inspirational’).

How’s business? Well, he’s selling between 50 and 100 units a day. Enough for the inventor, Galen Dively, to “pay for gas and have fun with it.”

Galen’s only problem: He’s having a devil of a time getting his ideas patented…

Enjoy the (Holy Buttered Toast, Batman) Heat!