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If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)

This entry is part of a series, Follies 2011»

Snow-Chilled Cans

A recent note in the Anchorage Daily News is a clarion call for all you Real Men who plan on spending any time in snowy climes this winter: Take your beer along! Clifton Vial of Nome found himself in a dangerous, almost certainly deadly, parlous predicament wee pickle. You see, Mr. Vial managed to get stranded on a winding road near Salmon Lake. Wearing only tennis shoes, jeans and a light jacket. (I guess there’s no monopoly on this sort of thing down South.) At least he had his Pink Floyd recordings in the pickup. And a sleeping bag liner and bath towel.

And some cans of Coors Light. Frozen solid Coors, to be precise.

Three days later, with the whole village looking for him, he was rescued, and not too much the worse for wear. During that time the temperatures dipped to 17 below (Farenheit or Centigrade, that’s almighty chilly) and winds blew a gale. Doughty Clifton, though, managed to pull through by cutting the tops off the beer cans and eating the contents like eating beans. Very cold beans. He got very little sleep as he was worried he wouldn’t wake up again in that cold. But he had nutritious, refreshing Coors!

After his rescue Mr. Vial feasted on a Snickers bar and an orange soda. No word on whether he declined further frosty canned sandwiches.

Mr. Vial didn’t have any real signs of frostbite when he was rescued; does that make Coors Light a miracle preventative? In any case, he may have inadvertently invented a new super-speed diet plan (now trademarked as the Nome Weight Loss Plan): He lost 16 pounds in just 60 hours! Wait until the supermodels hear about this one…

Enjoy the (Frosty the Beerman) Heat!

Entries in this series:
  1. Friday Follies: Weirdest Snacks, Dumb (and Hungry) Burglars, and Why Google is Like Bananas
  2. Friday Follies: Cakes That Make You Laugh (Maybe), and Which Food Best Represents Your State
  3. Friday Follies: Green Bugs to Replace Red Meat On Your Plate?
  4. Friday Follies: How to Pour a Beer Every Second (Almost)
  5. How Beer Saved the World (and, You Heard It Here First!)
  6. Friday Follies: Become a Professional Beer Expert (And You Thought All You Had to Do Was Drink)
  7. What's for Dinner Gets Automated, In a Weird Sort of Way
  8. Follies Extra: Is That a Chile Pepper On Your Plate, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
  9. Friday Follies: Oh, You Wanted the Mayo On the Side, Eh?
  10. Friday Follies: Eating Like a Monk During Lent
  11. Friday Follies: O No, You Got a Spork in the Salad Shooter!
  12. Friday Follies: Food Network Now Wants to Play Ball
  13. Friday Follies: Chile Underground Voted Number One Food Blog
  14. Friday Follies: Beer, It's What's for Breakfast
  15. Friday Follies: The End of the World is Nigh, and Bacon is to Blame
  16. Virtual Reality Gives “Cookie Monster” a Whole New Meaning
  17. Friday Follies: Do-It-Yourself Egg Art, and That’s No Yolk
  18. Burger Follies: A Fight Over Killer Burgers, In-N-Out in Texas, and Burger America Goes Second Edition
  19. Friday Follies: Once I Saw These, I Didn’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance…
  20. Friday Follies: Peppers Help Preggers to Pop
  21. Follies: Barbeque That Goes Where You Go, All Day Long
  22. Follies: How to Carry Your Liquor, and Don’t Do’s at the Bar
  23. Going to China for the Aquatics Championships? Don’t Eat the Pork…
  24. Zesty Chili Doesn’t Make Lingerie More Exciting for One Woman
  25. Follies: Edible Clay, Eu de Play-Doh, and a Website You Can’t Live Without
  26. Important News Concerning Two Essential Food Groups: Beer and Hamburgers
  27. Follies Extra: A Multitude of Uses for Beer (Besides Drinking)
  28. Chocolate’s Better’n Carrots, But Is Miracle Whip Really Good for Your Love Life?
  29. Who Says Lutherans Don’t Know How to Party? Watch This…
  30. There’s Something Big Stirring at UMass…
  31. Salsa Proves Too Hot for Owner; He’s Smoked…
  32. Would You Like Some Al Yankovic With That Veal Cordon Bleu? And Other Food-Music News
  33. A Salmagundi of Savory Silliness
  34. Doritos Situation Grave, and (Lust for) Alcohol Makes You Stupid
  35. “A Bear Walked Into a Grocery…” And It’s No Joke…
  36. French Ban Ketchup? This Means War! Again…
  37. Armadillo as Weapon, Bar Fun With Guns, and Another Humongous Burger
  38. Pizza as Vegetable? Okay; Why Not Chocolate, or Cheez Whiz, or Kool Whip, or …
  39. A Meal That Makes You Glad You Have Leftovers From Thanksgiving
  40. Why This May Be the Last Christmas Ever
  41. If You’re Going Out Into the Snow, Take Your Beer Along (Lots of It)
  42. No Eat Strong Pig, Eat Monster Gummy Bear Instead
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