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Austin Area Man Plants 7,000 Peppers in Back Yard to Counter North Korea’s Threats

Red Chiles

Recent news of an imminent threat of nuclear bombardment has had many folks in Austin considering how best to respond. One enterprising young fellow has already taken action, however, and planted a record number of hot pepper plants in his back yard.

“North Korea and their nuclear missiles? Shoot, we’ve got fireworks louder than that, every year down on Lady Bird Lake,” Dr. White was heard to say. “By the time that Kim feller gets his act together, we’ll have over a million hot chiles ready to launch back. We got your habaneros, your Caribbean Reds, your bhut jolokias, and even some scorpions. And I don’t mean no mild-mannered bugs either!”

“He can threaten all he wants,” the home gardener continued. “We’re ready. We’ve already communicated with Republic of Texas Security, and Governor Goodhair (I can call him that; we’re so close we even live in the same city) knows that our devastating response is primed and growing. Shoot, by the time you count all the hundreds of zeros on the amount of capsaicin we’re ready to unload on that whackjob in Pyongyang, you’ve got a number that’s a significant portion of the national debt. And that’s a lot, given how Washington’s been spending the past few years.”

Orange Heat

The self-professed Chile Doctor estimates that each plant will produce something like a dozen pounds of scorchingly hot little packages. Put on an ICBM recently purchased from eBay (via their now-defunct military surplus auctions), these can be drop-shipped into North Korea within the hour. Talk about counter-terror!

Word is that the Doctor of Edible Heat originally planned only 2,400 pepper plants this spring, but he simply couldn’t stand by with such serious perils aimed at his homeland. “Yeah, I know it’s nearly triple what I started with. But at times like these you gotta put in some extra effort. I’d a done more, but there’s only so much space back there.”

Proof that tough times produce strong heroes. Or at least strong chile peppers…

Enjoy the (Nuclear Capsaicin) Heat!


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